Saturday, April 26, 2008

Okay, I don't know what's come over me, but lately, all I've been thinking about is "I have to do something with my life."

(Wait, scratch the life part, I realize I just have to do "something," period.)

Seriously, though, this "something" is beginning to bother me already. I don't know if there's such a thing as "post-graduation anxiety," but if there is, I'm probably in the midst of it right now. Just like a wave of nausea that comes and goes. There are times when I'd go through the days guiltlessly and blissfully unmindful of the time I'm wasting. But then there are times when I'd be in the middle of something, and suddenly get the overwhelming urge to cry (not cry as in shed tears, but more like cry ala Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, in that scene where he puts aftershave on his face and then goes "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!") or wring my hands and just be filled with this strong, unexplainable sense of dread and anguish.

I've even begun to think I'm experiencing the physiological symptoms of this so-called anxiety. Like, I've noticed there's been more hair caught in the drain than usual, and I've been persistently ill for reasons unknown. Add to that the palpitations and the cold sweats that suddenly engulf me (in the middle of summer), and the fact that I've been sighing a lot the past few days. Yes, I exaggerate, and tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac, but I think it's reasonably normal to assume that all these point to elevated stress levels brought about by thinking too much of THE UNCERTAIN FUTURE. (Cue thunderbolts and lightning)

Yes, I'm scared. Everyone's asking me for my plans, my goals, what I'll be doing now that I'm through with school and am now officially an adult. But I honestly don't know what to say.

But, I have to stress, it's not that I don't have goals, (as a friend portentously remarked as she was reading my palm). No, I have goals. Lots of them. I'm swimming in goals. But the thing is, I don't know which goal to pursue first. I don't know if that's the same banana as having no goals, but there it is. Yuh.

Why's everyone so concerned about other people's goals anyway? I admit, even I engage in--I don't know what to call it--"goal-fishing," sometimes. I don't know why I do it; I don't think it's from a genuine concern and interest I have for the lives of other human beings. Maybe I just do it and secretly wish that someone would tell me they don't know yet (then we'd high-five and console each other or something). But most of the time, everyone seems to have plans to share. So now I'm the only one who feels lost and left behind. And utterly, miserably goal-less.

Anyhoo, I'd like to end this post on a high note. So folks, give me a month to do some navel-gazing and think of some goals, okay? I'll do that, just as soon as I pry my lazy ass off this bed. In the meantime, do me a favor and hold off those burning questions, yeesh.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Birthday Shmirthday.

So yesterday was my birthday, and today it has been 36 hours and 32 minutes since I turned 21. Nothing special about it; just wanted to blog to mark the occasion. But really, for all the hype I used to heap on birthdays as a kid, yesterday's celebration was pretty dismal. No parties, no cakes, candles. Just dinner with the family and some relatives, and to which I even managed to come late.

Then the bill arrived, and that was that.

It's been more than a month since graduation, and Lord help me I'm still not doing anything with my life. I feel like my brain muscles are slowly starting to atrophy from disuse. So right now, I'm jumping at every invitation thrown my way, just so I'll have an excuse to not spend another morning, afternoon, and evening inside the house. So my May 3's booked for a youth circle orientation courtesy of Ate Ayyi. But really, I couldn't care less if it's an orientation for growing house plants, just as long as I get to see human faces again. Yes.

Oh life. Really, I need to do something with my precious earth hours. Meep.

Okay, signing out.