Friday, February 20, 2009

It's just like a fortress under siege: everbody out wants in; everybody in wants out.


Saturday, February 14, 2009

Here's looking forward to SAD Day number twenty-two.


Saturday, February 7, 2009

Oh, I really wish I could say what's on my mind. There's just so much to filter and distill. My hands can't keep up.


How's this for a start.

I think it was about a month ago. I was at the beach. I swam toward a floating ledge (I'm not quite sure what to call it. Just imagine huge blocks of Lego forming a square frame and floating in the sea).

I was about a hundred feet or so from the shore. It was there, out in the deep, with the wind howling and the waves crashing and me facing out toward the sea, that I had the overwhelming urge to scream. Just scream. Like Edward Munch "Scream"-scream.

But I didn't. I wasn't able to---'cause I wasn't the only one out there on the ledge. I don't know what I was trying to let out. It's just sad that I didn't do it. I think I'd feel a lot better if I did.

Plus I don't think I've ever heard myself scream before; I'm curious to find out how my voice sounds like when I scream.

I remember this one time in school, I think it was speech class. We were supposed to read a line in a book. Emphatically, with as much emotion as we could muster. The line I was supposed to read was "Fire! Fire! Help!"---or something along those lines.

My head spun and my palms sweat as person after person was called and I realized my turn was coming. I read those lines over and over. I could hear my voice screaming in my head. But when my turn came, my voice wouldn't come out. Despite much prodding from my teacher, I just couldn't make myself do it. Until he grew frustrated and called the next person. My face must have turned red from the effort. And I was embarrassed 'cause I was the only one who couldn't do that one simple thing.

Then there was this movie I watched with a friend. A Japanese film; I think the title was Hanging Garden. And the one scene that stayed in my mind was when the main character---a housewife---was out in her veranda-cum-hanging garden in the twenty-something-floor of her family's apartment. The sky was raining blood, and she was screaming. Just short, shrill staccato screams. She screamed because her husband was having an affair with a dominatrix (whose car stereo kept playing a song whose lines went "I bit your nipple"--or something along those lines) and her daughter just recently started to get curious over love motels and she suspects her son is having a little tryst with his D-cupped tutor. And as for her, she's a housewife. And so she screamed. I don't know if I was supposed to laugh or be horrified at the scene. All I thought was it must be refreshing to be able to openly scream like that.

I just really want to scream. I hope I'd get scream in this lifetime. Fingers crossed.

Is This You?

What is Avoidant Personality Disorder?Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:
-Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
-Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
-Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
-Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
-Desire for improved social relations
-Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly
-Creation of elaborate fantasy

If this is you, apir.