Monday, December 10, 2007

My Manifesto

"Why do things come so much easier to other people, but not to me?

"Life, to me, seems like a series of tests or challenges; each one posing the question of whether I'll pass or fail.

"I'm not saying fate has been unkind. I just can't help getting this feeling that circumstances are always conspiring to present me in this scenario where I am forced to make a hard decision between staying in my comfort zone or stepping out. There is an unseen force that keeps pushing me to overcome my weakness."

me, having a major Bruce Almighty moment, post draft, 19 October 2007

I recall having said it some months past. Not said--more like realized. But now it has come to me in full clarity. This, then, is not so much a realization as a cold conviction:

"Life will always be a challenge to me."

A difficulty. A series of obstacles. An endless row of hurdles I have to get past. I have thought of it in the past, and felt a pang of guilt at how bleakly I saw life. These, I thought then, are not the words of someone who appreciates the joy in living. I wonder why I feel less apologetic about this outlook now. Maybe because I do not consider this a flaw in my character anymore. It is not; it is simply how I am.

Life is never going to become easy for me. And I realize that this is how I am to go through life from now on. Not solely because I will it for myself to be placed in difficult situations. But because the people around me have determined it for themselves to make life difficult for me. Do not get me wrong; I do not say that in a mean, accusatory way--as if I am a victim and they, the perpetrators. By my statement, I mean that these people claim to know more of me than I know myself. They see in me abilities that I can only describe as wanting, insufficient—non-existent, even.

I know she can do it. We just have to push her.

overheard from someone, somewhere, about a year ago

They have judged me, and are unshakeable in the belief that I am capable of the weight they place on me.

So how am I to react to all of these?

Though there are times when I am plagued with self-doubts and appear incredulous to the faith of others, I know I can’t bear to fail them or prove them wrong. In spite of my shallow protests of ineptitude, inside I know I am prepared to take on, to the best of my abilities (including those which they unmistakably claim I possess) everything they have to deliver. I will relish in these obstacles, brush them aside as soon as I have conquered them, and anticipate the next one. Ladies and men: Bring. It. On.

originally written on 8 December 2007, 1:18 AM