Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Man named 3.1416...

He told me, the first and last time I met Him, that I was cute. And, more
often than not, He called me "cutie cute cute" rather than by my name.

The first and last night I spent with him, He told me that I had a lot of thoughts, unnecessary ones, in my head. And that I just had to let go of these thoughts. "...because...a lot of these don't matter," He said, His eyes closed, as He stroked my limbs with His rough, oiled palms, and led it in graceful circles in the air.

He was right, I know. But I couldn't let go of "these things." Dammit.

Earlier that night, we were having dinner, along with a handful of strangers. But I led myself to believe that He was paying more attention to me. He was interested in me. He proferred plates of food in my direction because he noticed that I was too shy to reach for anything uncomfortably outside my grasp. And I took everything He handed to me.

After dinner, when the six of us, strangers all to each other, retired to our cottage in this strange place somewhere in Southern Mindanao, he revealed His true identity.

He was a healer.

And He thus proceeded to heal us all, one by one.

First, our guide. His touch turned this grave-looking, smart-talking, 30-ish man into a child suspended between consciousness and unconsciousness. Pretty soon, he was like a puppet controlled by the invisible strings of His brilliant and mystical mind.

Meanwhile, we--I, and two other students--all of us uninitiated to
this spectacle before us, stood, awed and, at the same time, scared. What witchery is this we had stumbled upon?

But much later, my two companions had fallen prey to His enchantment. And He was whispering in soothing tones--with that unforgettable lisp--words that seemed to come from a gentle prophet. "You are filled with so much anger," He told him whilst holding him in the throes of healing trance. "You must forgive this person."

All of a sudden I was afraid. He could go inside your mind. What if He went inside mine and saw the dark and evil thoughts it held?

I went last. My eyes widened as He stared at me and signalled me to come hither.

My mind was uncontrollably bothered. I didn't want him to see me without my mask. I didn't want Him finding out that underneath this childlike and innocent facade
hid a hideous monster. I blocked His words from my unconscious. I refused His
gentle invitation for me to drop my reservations and step into the zone of vulnerability and, eventually, of wondrous healing.

I think it worked. It took Him close to two hours, and I was able to hold up as long. Until He finally sighed and laid down the judgment that I simply had too little
energy. So He lent me some of His.

He didn't chide me for laying waste to his efforts. Instead, He ended the night with parting words that continue to echo in my ears each time I think about Him.

"You're movements are so graceful and childlike. I love it."

He waited for me to say whatever it was that was preventing Him from reaching me. But I couldn't possibly tell Him. Tell Him that I had entertained unspeakable thoughts as His hands made contact with my skin. That it was precisely His touch--His very existence--that was causing this internal disquiet.

It's been more than a year since I saw Him. Now all I want is to see Him again' 'cause this time I think I'm ready to be healed. If I do get to see Him again, I hope I will be brave enough to bare all.

Written November 9, 2007