Moments that do wonders for my self-esteem
Yesterday afternoon, at our Division Chair's office:
Division Chairperson: (gives me a funny look, points a finger at me, and tells a MassComm student) "Why is
(my name here) in English, and not in Mass Comm?"
Me (and the other student): *nervous laugh; exchange puzzled glances*
(at this point I communicate to the other student, by way of telekinesis and some eyebrow acrobatics: "
I have no idea why she's asking you that question. Hmm, I also don't know why she's only asked you that, now that we're already in 4th YEAR. I sense a punchline forthcoming...")
Division Chairperson (who, not surprisingly, is in the mood to taunt/torment me again):
"Nyee, si (my name) , nabilin na, nabilin na." (rough translation: "
Nyee, si (pangalan ko), napag-iwanan na, napag-iwanan na.")Me: (too nervous to give sarcastic laughter; continues with nervous laughter and awkwardly slinks out of Atty. Division Chairperson's office, thinking:
"Yehess. Rub it in, ma'am, rub it in...")
I'm in Over my Head
But I'm trying to convince myself otherwise. I've just been handed big responsibility (to me, however, it came in the shape of a crown of thorns). The thing is, I don't know what to do with it. I feel so helpless. Incompetent. Dumb. Just plain scared that I just might screw things up and make an ass of myself in full view of everyone. This must be what they mean when they say, "it's lonely at the top." People expect you to be at the top of your game, when in all honesty you are just as in the dark as they are.
But there's no turning back now. With the illusion of attaining personal growth"--and an extra line in my resume--dangled in my face, I took the bait and said "yes." So I guess I will just have to suck it all in and do this, even if I have to bluff my way for the most part.
---
'Times like these when I thank God I have friends to give me much-needed mirror checks. A few minutes ago, I was just reminded by a friend that I create my own nightmares by always seeing the threat in every opportunity. And that made all the difference between a night of stewing in self-concocted anguish and facing up to my personal demons. *heaves a sigh of relief* I'm all better now, thank you.
